I don’t normally do blogs like these, but I thought I would stop being so hard on myself and just… go for it? I struggle with keeping this blog active, and I do have many things to say and a lot drafted, but I find it difficult to keep powering on with a rough draft if I lose my train of thought. And since I have ADHD, this is often. So, instead of trying to craft a perfect, thoughtful essay and struggling to publish it– I thought that I should just post one of these instead, in order to give myself a light, easy breezy type of post! So here we go, here are my favourite things of Summer 2016, which is coming to a close. There is definitely no rhyme or reason to my post– I just want to write about things I’ve enjoyed over the past couple of months. I’ve also mostly neglected writing about travel in these posts, since I’ve done (and will continue to do) a lot of travelling over the past couple of months.
Here’s where I am in terms of this summer: Knee deep in Physics and denial.
To be frank, I’ve got myself in a bit of a pickle with an intensive summer course (again,) but I’m fighting my way through it with a lot of hard work and a lot of self-love and self-care (and unfortunately, impulsive purchases. Sorry, mom.) The anxiety from my ADHD hasn’t come out full force simply because I find myself knee deep in studying and homework, as well as denial– of my own skills and hard work (thanks, imposter syndrome,) of the impending future in regards to med school applications and studying for the MCAT, and of trying to reconcile my mental illness(es), who I am and where I belong (and even if I belong) in the field of medicine. These things are all difficult to deal with, especially because they all contribute to my hopeful future career. I’m just going to lay it all out in blog freeform because I feel like being honest with myself. Otherwise, I’m going to update you on life, and this is going to be a long ass post with no real structure. So, apologies for the word vomit in advance, but if it comes across as too adjglajgwe, I can always delete this later.
I’d really like to tell everyone about my experiences in Portland without injecting some important moment of clarity in there– but of course, that wouldn’t be authentic to my style of writing, and honestly, I cannot see Portland without a particular event colouring the entire trip.
That being said, Portland was wonderful. Portland is a strange place because it reminds me so much of San Francisco, but more relaxed and without the focus on technology (for instance, no one is on their cell phone during dinner. The people that I did see on their phones were using it as a light, because some restaurants were poorly lit.) Honestly, I’m a bit sad that we weren’t able to stay for longer, because I barely got the bits of authentic Portlandia that everyone speaks about (but I did have a wonderful extended getaway with my partner and got to catch up with some of my friends.) But this trip to Portland was more about relaxation, self-preservation and learning when to take care of yourself in the best way possible: cutting out shitty people from your life that never deserved to be there in the first place.
Part of me really hates that I’m going to be writing about this person again, after a long time of not writing about them– but it’s a necessary evil, and puts a final close to that chapter of my life.
My days have looked a lot like this lately, so I don’t really know what to say to you, really.
I could tell you that my life is in a complex state at the moment: I’m always busy finishing a paper or studying for an exam (thank you, Immunology– the only class where I seem to have something due each week,) but I feel stagnant, and my life seems to be moving at a slower pace than others. I could tell you that I’m enjoying it, even though I find myself crashing on my bed at 3:00 PM on Friday afternoons and napping until my boyfriend comes home from work at 6:00 PM. I could tell you many things that would all be true in some way, but feel false in others.
I’m not really sure what to write here, or if I even have a voice anymore.
This semester has been difficult, yet rewarding in many ways. Lately, I’ve been thinking if this is what I still wanted to do. All things considered, it is– but I don’t know if I’ve been thinking about it seriously enough. I’ve found renewed inspiration in the form of AAMC’s current campaign featuring inspirational quotes about failure from current doctors or medical students, as well as the fact that this semester, my professors and the subjects both, are giving me life, more reasons to feel good about myself. I still hesitate to write more about this semester because I’m not even halfway through it. The confidence I have in my study habits and skills (despite the grades I’ve been receiving) don’t feel earned. I don’t know if many of my other peers feel the same way I do– plagued by this neverending imposter syndrome– but I find myself astonished by the grades I’ve been getting, even though I know I’ve been putting in the hard work and effort. I will probably write more about this once the semester finishes up– or whenever I feel like it.