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  • where this blog is headed…

    Dec 26th • Posted in personal

    A picture of me in front of an art installation at 21c Museum Hotels in Louisville, Kentucky in Feb 2014.

     

    I don’t think I’ll ever be a fully realised person. Growth and change are too inevitable to avoid. I’m an early twentysomething year old– I’ve got room to grow. That being said, I’m at a place in my life where I’m not just content, but really damn happy with where I am. While not always confident in my skin, I can at least say that I’m enjoying what I’m doing in life (despite the stress and anxiety of certain aspects, like school) and who I’m spending my time with.

    That being said, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve neglected this blog for awhile. It’s natural, I guess. The best writing I’ve ever posted on this website comes from darker places (if not dark, at least bittersweet.) In that case, it’s natural to see where my hesitancy for posting on a frequent basis comes from: I’m simply not comfortable posting on my blog due to what I feel is a lack of quality content. My boyfriend jokes about how he’s the reason I’ve stopped writing as much. He means well, but there’s partial truth to it (not in a bad way, I’ll explain in this blog.)

    Let me start off by saying that this blog wouldn’t exist if it were not for the terrible (or rather, amazing and amusing?) dates that I went on throughout my time in Chicago (and elsewhere, but mostly Chicago.) Blogging was a great way to vent my anger and frustration with dating and the people I dated. A previous incarnation of this blog was similarly themed, though mostly focusing on my failures in relationships when I was younger. (As an aside: I find it extremely strange to read these nowadays, because I’m in a completely different place and dating as an adult does not compare to dating pre-higher education.) Clearly, this blog had a niche and I was writing to fill it.

    But what happens now that the source material is running low? Now that I find myself in a committed relationship, I’m also realising how difficult it is to transition this blog into something… well, bigger than itself. I love my boyfriend, but I’m also aware that whenever I talk about it him, it comes out into one big mushfest. (Which is alright, but I’d rather express those things to him personally, where it matters most.) And as much as I love big mushfests, I cannot write those on a regular basis– the posts would become redundant. So I’m left feeling sort of lost.

    As established previously, I no longer have a “niche.” Does this mean I have to find a new one? Does this mean I don’t have to find one at all? Other bloggers clearly write about subjects that cater to their audience. Due to the fact that I don’t have much of an audience, (hi, friends and family! Thanks for supporting my writing thus far and toiling through all the TMI bullshit that I write!) this question is more of a: What am I attracted to writing that won’t make me feel like I’m piling on the saccharine bullshit? What keeps my writing raw and authentic? Like I said earlier, I love writing about how happy I am– but I don’t find inspiration in it. I’d rather enjoy that part of my life and write about something more meaningful. I think I’ll just have to continue doing what I’ve been doing for awhile: Write less often and more meaningfully. I may not need to find a “niche,” but at least find something that evokes and stirs up real, authentic emotions to write about.

    I’m also finding myself grappling with issues of privacy and authenticity. When I was  younger, I didn’t exactly care about the repercussions of posting whatever I wanted on the internet. (I heavily imply things in certain posts, and I drop F-bombs everywhere.) I used to write a lot about various men I dated, named (and shamed) ’em, and would write on in graphic detail about how I felt about them, slash the things they said. While this made for an amusing, raw blog post– I’m also at a place in my life where these things can be looked back upon and recounted as a part of my character. Basically, on the real: I’m going to apply for medical school in a couple years, and this blog can be looked back upon and read and dissected carefully to deduce what type of a person I am. While I struggle with certain things and I have particular character flaws, I’d like to believe that who I was no longer reflects who I am, and that will not make it back to my application. But I’m aware that may not happen, so I’m starting to filter a little bit. Also, I’m dating someone wonderful and while he’s made it clear to me that I can share tidbits of our life on this blog– I’d rather save those parts for us, because it’s important to me.

    I guess authenticity is difficult when trying to self-filter. The older I get, the more I want to keep private and not yell out on this blog. The older I get, the more self-aware I become and self-critical I am of my own writing. I’m also in a very difficult program that leaves me exhausted and less willing to write because I’d rather be enjoying my free time with my boyfriend, friends and family. I guess what I’m saying is: The posts on this blog will probably slow down a lot more than usual. They might be more active during vacation times, but right now is a good of a place as ever to take a much-needed break.

    On the bright side, once I start applying for medical schools in a couple years, I’m sure you’ll see me frantically recounting the process.

    It’s been fun, friends. I hope the next time I see you around is sooner than it has been since moving– but if it’s not? You know where to find me.

    Thanks for everything.

    • I’ll be here when (if?) you do decide you have something to say.
      You have a wonderful, unique voice and I hope that you will continue to charm us with your words.. when you’re ready.
      x

      • I’ll probably blog as sporadically as I do now (though I’m prepared for much less so,) but I’ve founded it increasingly more difficult with the fact that nothing terrible is going on in my life (enough to bitch about anyway) and the impending process of applying to medical school.

        I mean, I definitely have things to bitch about (if you’ve looked at my twitter feed at all lately, you’ll notice a smattering of #blacklivesmatter,) but to write an entire blog about it would upset me. I love blogging, I just don’t know what to write about anymore. *shrugs* Though I’m sure I’ll be back and keep reading.

    • You have such a unique voice, don’t let it go completely.
      I get the private life and authenticity thing, I really really do. It’s the horrible middle part of wanting to share but wanting it to be private.
      I can empathise so much with writing coming from the dark places within ourselves. It’s that dark place that spurns me forward.
      It’s nice though, that you’ve found a stable relationship that is keeping you in the good places, it’s always lovely when that happens

      • I actually reflected a LOT on my sources of inspiration after reading your blog post. I decided I needed to take a break to decide what I really want to talk/write about, or at least reflect on if I want to find my own niche, find my own space of writing.

        I write better when I am passionate about something, but passionately angry or upset about something. It may not be the best way to cope. I find it to be so banal to write about my everyday life because I sound either too anxious over school (and the medical school application process, yikes) or I’m too gushy about my relationship. I think I’m still finding my voice and what I want to write about. But thank you for the kind words :)

    • Christa! I just stumbled upon your blog and truly wish I had discovered it much earlier. Sad to see a blogger go. I was once a pre-medical student like you… In fact, I applied to medical school, got interviewed and was wait-listed. I remember that period of my life being the worst part of my life. I didn’t know how to handle the eventual rejection, but somehow I managed to get out of that dark part of my life and now I’m in PT school! I wish you all the best with your journey to medical school. More power to you!

      • Kristine, thank you for the kind words. It’s very odd being a pre-med (again) later in life. (Though I can’t really complain– I think some of my older peers are a little more nervous about ageism re: med school than I am) Ironically, I think of more things to blog about now that I’m on holiday– so maybe a post or two will spring up. I just find myself too busy and wrapped up in schoolwork to really focus on writing (even though I miss it!)

        Thank you so much, and I hope we can still contact and stay in each other’s orbits in the blogosphere despite the inactivity that may occur on this blog. :)