» claw marks & letting go
  • claw marks & letting go

    Jul 06th • Posted in love, personal, writing

    Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.“- David Foster Wallace

    Foster Wallace hit the mark when he wrote about letting go. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a person who teeters on the edge of codependency in the majority of my relationships. I attribute this to my inherent “Libra”-ness, but I also think that I (secretly) enjoy human interaction and behaviour, despite my awful affinity for social contact. I don’t know if I’ve ever truly let go of someone. If I have– as Foster Wallace said, those people defnitely have claw marks all over them. Once I care about someone, it’s difficult for me to stop. That’s what makes letting go the hardest. Letting go has never been my strong suit, nor do I think it will ever be– but I’m working on it. However, I devoted this next post to the subject of letting go of unhealthy people that you are have toxic relationships with, but I’ve written loads and loads about the person in question and didn’t want to give him the time or energy.

    Sometimes the best thing to do when you realise you’re over someone is to exist and enjoy the present. I’ve spent many months praying to get a sign, to try and get over this person who has been terrible to me that the last thing I want to do is dwell. After months of inching towards the right direction, I’ve reached a place where I can breathe again. I found myself stuck and lost in a haze that was full of heartbreak, miscommunication and disappointment. But now, I can breathe again and thank God for that.

    At this point in time, I’m enjoying my life and the time I have here at home. A couple of things happened this week that have rejuvenated me. I’m re-examining a lot of things in my life, but I’m glad that I’m not clouded by this fear or apprehension anymore. Life is wonderful, so I’m just going to write about how I feel and go with the flow. I apologise that this post may be a bit random and rambling, but I sort of like to write my stream of conscious as it comes to me because if I don’t get it out now, I won’t ever do it.

    These beautiful pictures were taken at Kailua Beach, where I spent the 4th of July hanging with relatives that I don’t see all too often due to them living on the other side of the island. We usually spend holidays/big family events together at someone’s house, but decided on spending it together at the beach to try something new. Unfortunately, not everyone was off– but it was still fun to hang out with everyone. This was also the last day I spent with my older brother, who is headed off to medical school in Missouri. I’m sad that he’s going, but I think that enough time has passed that we’ve mastered the art of being good siblings at a distance. But I’m also thinking that I’m comfortable with the relationships I hold in my life right now, including those I have with my immediate family. Or maybe it’s because I’m settling into my own skin. It’s a weird thing to think about, but it’s true! For the first time ever, I went out and didn’t feel completely vulnerable in myself. I mentioned in an earlier post that I was uncomfortable with my body and the way I presented myself– but the other day, I went out in my bathing suit and just worked it. I felt like myself and that’s something I’m extremely proud of. I didn’t care that my belly showed, or that fat spilled over some parts in my swimsuit. I felt comfortable in the swimsuit, so I walked around in it all day. Why did it matter if anyone else saw me? I loved myself and the outfit that I wore. That was something that hit me and sparked this beautiful appreciation I had for myself in that moment. Self-love is difficult to remember, and for the first time in a long time, I felt it. 

    I think a lot of this has to do with the relationships I’ve held with people. When I remember to love myself, let go and just enjoy the moment– I am at my best self. And while this has attracted more people, I find myself not wanting to settle for anything or anyone.  I am savouring the moments I have with others in any capacity. From waking up at nine in the morning just to drive out for the best acai on the island (seriously, Tropical Tribe. Look it up if you’re ever on O’ahu) with my brother. To sitting on the beach with my (no longer a baby) cousin, answering her questions about everything and anything pertaining to dating and sex. I’m even having productive conversations with my mother, a human being that I endlessly adore, but sometimes feel like I love better from afar. And I’m grateful for my ability to love unconditionally from afar as well. I miss my best friend in Nebraska, and the rest of my other friends scattered across the globe. I even appreciate the ongoing flirtation with the Dutch man from Amsterdam. But life is too good to settle for anything less than what I deserve.

    And at the same time, I think letting go of toxicity has caused me to appreciate the fact that maybe it’s OK if I don’t know what I want right now. Maybe it’s OK that I don’t know what I truly “deserve” out of anything or anyone. Maybe it’s quite possible that I could just let life take over and see what happens. Que sera, sera… Whatever will be, will be. I just want to appreciate the new people that come my way, and if something happens– then it will. For now, I’m taking my time.