» Dear Self,
  • Dear Self,

    Jun 08th • Posted in love, personal, writing

    I’ve been meaning to write this for awhile. This is more a letter to myself than anything else– something to remind myself to pull through hard times. I wanted to write a letter to myself because sometimes I don’t always have my shit together, and I needed to be honest with myself for once.

    I know you’re going through a difficult time right now– you’re still coming to grips with the fact that you’ve moved from one of your favourite cities in the world, coping with the fact that you’re no longer traversing Europe, and that you’re still mending your broken heart. Just wanted to remind you that you’ve been through it before, and you’ll go through it again. Life will not stop for you, even if you’ve decided to stop trying. So here’s a reminder to pick up the pieces and get your shit together.

    First off, fuck Brendan. Not literally fuck him, because you’ve done it before and look where you ended up. Sometimes I wonder if you understand that there’s a difference between sex, intimacy and love. They are not always mutually exclusive, no matter how much you want them to be. I know you know this– you’ve had encounters that don’t mean a thing. Just because a guy fits your expectations, doesn’t mean you have to go apeshit for him. But honestly, cut contact and stop stalking his social media, you creepy fuck. STOP READING HIS MESSAGES. NO SERIOUSLY, STOP IT. YOU ARE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF FURTHER. Stop keeping tabs on him because he does not keep tabs on you. He doesn’t give a shit about you– that’s something that he’s made abundantly clear through his lack of communication and his ignorance and dismissal of your feelings. Girl, cut that shit loose! His apology wasn’t even that sincere, considering the fact that he tried to steer the conversation towards sex again. He’s a fucking leech who feeds off your love and affection and dangles it in your god damn face. He doesn’t know what love is and how to express it yet, and no, you cannot be the one to teach him. Nor did you want to! Newsflash: do not pull a Taylor Swift. If you knew he was trouble when he walked in, then fucking BOLT out of there, you idiot. I mean, I know it’s too late to take that advice now, but in the future, if you get that feeling– please just GO. Do not mistake your initial attraction for someone as something deeper. And do not settle or pine after someone who doesn’t return your feelings. Why are you investing so much time and effort into someone who doesn’t want to do the same for you? Stop settling for less than you deserve. Demand their respect, and they will figure it out. Or, they will jet and you’ll have to deal with it. I hope that you learn to invest as much as is given to you eventually. I hope in the future, someone falls madly in love with you just as much as you will love them.

    Secondly, I just want to commend you for being so fearless with your heart. I know think your heart is hardened to the point of no return, but there was something about travelling that opened you up a lot more. Don’t listen to people who tell you that you’re being closed off. Realistically, by this point in your life you have learned that true friendships are rare and it’s admirable that you want to develop friendship with people you connect with instantaneously. You have an excellent intuition and can already tell when you will be able to get along with someone. That being said, don’t take that feeling to heart and still attempt to get to know those people as best as you can. At the same time, I am so proud of you for loving unconditionally and so openly. I know it’s difficult to carry around the baggage that you do, but I’m really happy that you still have the ability to open yourself up to people and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable anymore. Yes, falling for someone hurts, but isn’t it worth the pain?

    It’s OK to be lonely. Bitch, stop worrying about dating and finding a good guy. You know as well as I do that the right person comes along when you least expect it. Remember when you took that independent, free-spirit, “I don’t need a man” oath thing last year? Yeah. And then what happened? You met your ex-boyfriend. Yeah, so stop worrying. You are young as fuck. Get that Midwestern vibe out of you and realise that you are young, you can date around, and you are fierce as hell so any guy would be lucky to have you. Maybe it’s something you need to learn, as you haven’t been single for the past couple of years. Sometimes it’s good to not be “talking to a guy.” I hope you take power and control over your own life, chiquita. Because sometimes you’re a slave to the ones you love and while that’s so great that you love, you hurt yourself so much in the process. It will be good for you to spend some time alone, learning to love yourself for who you are. Remember, you are a fucking QUEEN and no one can take that away from you. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. Learn to love yourself.

    Just remember to love yourself and never settle for anything less than how much you love yourself,

    Me.