» Hello, it’s me again.
  • Hello, it’s me again.

    Jul 01st • Posted in personal

    I can’t tell if I’m senselessly insecure or if my neuroses are completely justified. Once you’re deemed the “crazy girl,” you will forever be stigmatized, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It sucks.

    I should probably apologize before I go on…
    Hi everyone. (Everyone being my pretend audience that I pretend exists, but doesn’t really. I like to think a pretend select few read this, but I’m aware no one actually does: it’s OK.) I haven’t been around in awhile. I know. When we last left off, I was slowly gaining acceptance with my last break up. I started dating! I started being productive! I was acclimating to my new life in the big city! I was happy! (Or at least as close to happy as I can be) I tried to post here. But the posts never manifested into anything. I had an extremely difficult time verbalizing my emotions, and getting them down onto this blog. I guess I can blame it on the seeming sense of normality. I was unhappy, but it wasn’t due to boys or loneliness (though I will say that I did spend awhile in a sea of one-night stands and shitty OKCupid dates)– there were always other sources. Stuff that didn’t pertain to this blog. And that is also OK.

    Well, the blog lives on.

    If you had asked me if I knew I was going to start seeing someone a couple months ago, I probably would have laughed in your face. In March, I had been feeling the repercussions of a lonely winter, and had spent the majority of the month struggling with the acceptance of failed dates and relationships. These emotions manifested in a “spring cleaning” and “spring awakening” on my own part. (I will partially credit this to the discovery of British dating guru, Matthew Hussey) I had decided that the only way I could find love is if someone was worth my time, and that I was OK with being single. I would only be in Chicago for another year, and it wasn’t worth my time to actively seek someone to date because it wouldn’t make sense (in that short year.) So being single was good. I shut down my OKCupid account, and dedicated those efforts towards bettering myself and improving my real relationships.

    You know, until I found myself talking to a guy that I had met right before I deleted my account. It’s always funny because these things happen when you least expect them to happen. Anyway, long story short– this guy is the one I’m dating now. Normally I am extremely hesitant when it comes to meeting guys off the internet in real life (I am not new to developing relationships and feelings for guys I’ve met online, but that was always through more organic venues, and not dating websites) but after my terrible experience with Jeff (someone that I will explain in a later post. Or not. He’s not really worth the time/effort) I decided to just jump in and go for it. Nothing to lose because I wasn’t trying to seek a romantic relationship anyway, right?

    Anyway, that’s how I ended up dating Alec. I’m using a name because I don’t give a fuck anymore. And for those who do know me, it is common knowledge. I guess I’m writing this because I’ve been dating Alec for almost three months, and I’m slowly growing more and more disenchanted with this whole thing. Or maybe it’s not me? I don’t know. I’m confused constantly. I should probably explain that on our first “date,” Alec and I initially decided to just “be friends” and meet up for lunch (seemingly harmless) in Chinatown. This date eventually spawned into after-lunch wandering around Chinatown, then it turned into walking around the river, then it turned into drinks, then it turned into drinks and dinner. Eventually, I found myself going home with him. My first date with Alec was electric. That is the only way I can describe what I felt on our first date, and when he finally kissed me at the end of the night. ALL of my friends can attest to me claiming that this was one of the best first dates I have ever been on. I still stand by that statement.

    I no longer feel the electricity, the spark, the palpable tension and energy between us. Our sex is frenetic and frenzied, but it definitely is more lifeless than when I first started sleeping with him (a month ago, when we first became ‘exclusive.’) But maybe this is because we are at a crossroads in our “relationship” (or lack of): it has become more and more evident that I am standing on the “serious” end of the spectrum, while he is edging further and further towards the “casual”end of the spectrum. Which is fine, but it’s not what I deserve. And slowly, I have been feeling the disconnect and he has shown me way more disrespect.

    Which brings me to the question of this post: How do you know when things are over? How can you tell? What constitutes being “over?” When is it time to retire things and put them to rest?