» life lately: the imposter syndrome, amsterdam, and calendars.
  • life lately: the imposter syndrome, amsterdam, and calendars.

    Mar 06th • Posted in academia, personal, travel, writing

    My days have looked a lot like this lately, so I don’t really know what to say to you, really.

    I could tell you that my life is in a complex state at the moment: I’m always busy finishing a paper or studying for an exam (thank you, Immunology– the only class where I seem to have something due each week,) but I feel stagnant, and my life seems to be moving at a slower pace than others. I could tell you that I’m enjoying it, even though I find myself crashing on my bed at 3:00 PM on Friday afternoons and napping until my boyfriend comes home from work at 6:00 PM. I could tell you many things that would all be true in some way, but feel false in others.

    I’m not really sure what to write here, or if I even have a voice anymore.

    This semester has been difficult, yet rewarding in many ways. Lately, I’ve been thinking if this is what I still wanted to do. All things considered, it is– but I don’t know if I’ve been thinking about it seriously enough. I’ve found renewed inspiration in the form of AAMC’s current campaign featuring inspirational quotes about failure from current doctors or medical students, as well as the fact that this semester, my professors and the subjects both, are giving me life, more reasons to feel good about myself. I still hesitate to write more about this semester because I’m not even halfway through it. The confidence I have in my study habits and skills (despite the grades I’ve been receiving) don’t feel earned. I don’t know if many of my other peers feel the same way I do– plagued by this neverending imposter syndrome– but I find myself astonished by the grades I’ve been getting, even though I know I’ve been putting in the hard work and effort. I will probably write more about this once the semester finishes up– or whenever I feel like it.

    Other than school, I’ve been working on some executive functioning skills (thank you, therapist) and my lack of… them? I’ve finally come up with a study schedule that works, thanks to the help of one of my professors– yet have also decided to squeeze in a day where I don’t touch schoolwork– period. In addition, I’m adding a ‘no-phone’ day (okay, maybe a couple of hours) into the same day because my productivity sinks when I’m glued to it. However, speaking of productivity (and school– ugh, I know. My life revolves around it 24/7, even when I’m trying so hard not to think about it,) I’ve been finding studyblr (the ‘study’ community of tumblr) to be an invaluable resource for study tips and inspiration. If you haven’t already checked it out, you should.

    Another thing I’m stoked to write more about as it comes is travelling! Tobi and I have been together for about a year and a half at this point, we live together, and he’s already visited my hometown and met my family– we figured it was about time that I head over to Europe to meet his. We bought our tickets for Amsterdam, and we’re heading out in May. I’m equal parts terrified and excited. (For obvious reasons– it is always nervewracking to meet people you haven’t met before, especially when they’re related to your partner, and even more so when you want them to like you so badly.) Though Tobi and I have travelled together before, traversing through Europe together will be strange, considering how different I was when I backpacked by myself the first time around.

    I’ll write more about these subjects once I get a firm grasp on this semester, or once travel happens. Or whenever I feel like it– because blogging isn’t the top of my priority list anymore.