» when to cut out shitty people
  • when to cut out shitty people

    Apr 02nd • Posted in love, personal, writing

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    I’d really like to tell everyone about my experiences in Portland without injecting some important moment of clarity in there– but of course, that wouldn’t be authentic to my style of writing, and honestly, I cannot see Portland without a particular event colouring the entire trip.

    That being said, Portland was wonderful. Portland is a strange place because it reminds me so much of San Francisco, but more relaxed and without the focus on technology (for instance, no one is on their cell phone during dinner. The people that I did see on their phones were using it as a light, because some restaurants were poorly lit.) Honestly, I’m a bit sad that we weren’t able to stay for longer, because I barely got the bits of authentic Portlandia that everyone speaks about (but I did have a wonderful extended getaway with my partner and got to catch up with some of my friends.) But this trip to Portland was more about relaxation, self-preservation and learning when to take care of yourself in the best way possible: cutting out shitty people from your life that never deserved to be there in the first place.

    Part of me really hates that I’m going to be writing about this person again, after a long time of not writing about them– but it’s a necessary evil, and puts a final close to that chapter of my life.

    I hate writing about myself nowadays, but most of all, I hate writing about the person I’m going to be talking about for the majority of this blog entry. Two years ago, I don’t know how it happened– but I fell so hard for someone who didn’t reciprocate the same feelings, and due to either his selfishness or his desperate need for validation because of his insecurities– he messed around with my feelings, constantly fucked around with my emotions and mind, and was just a shitty human being in general. There were things I obviously liked, which is why my connection towards him was so deep, but I couldn’t see past the manipulation and the vague lies. (Honestly, if you haven’t read my blog before– check out the archives from November 2013 to early spring 2014, I don’t need to recap the entire situation for you.) I caught glimpses of it the spring I went on my trip, and then again through a long-winded, confusing text message conversation later that summer.

    Two years later, on my trip to Portland, when I received a text message from a vaguely familiar 773 area code number while I was having a wonderful double date with a dear friend of mine and her fiance, no amount of alcohol could have prepared me for the conversation that followed. The ghost of this person appeared out of nowhere and I was not ready for him. Admittedly, I could have handled the entire situation a little better. Not soon after he texted me, I showed my partner his texts, and shook my head. I immediately texted my best girlfriends– the ones who had seen me through all the heartbreak– and begged for advice on how to deal with this person who was terrible to me, but I still (somehow) managed to retain a soft spot in my heart. tumblr_o4etkqUFd91qznry3o1_1280 (1)

    I know I shouldn’t have replied, but curiousity got the best of me and I used the “new phone, who dis?” approach.

    He didn’t bite, and instead assumed that I would know who he was based off my blogging. (To clarify: We met at little less than a year before I moved, and in the meantime, I have blogged about many men on my blog.) Our conversation moved to the point where he asked what I was doing, where I was, that he thought about me from time to time and wanted to “check in.” At this point, I realised that he was still the same person, and that his MO still the same after all this time. (Despite not talking to him for two years.) I mentioned that I was travelling with my boyfriend, and he was caught in his own shit. His conversation at that point on devolved into a hole of inappropriate comparisons, further proving that he hadn’t changed.

    Let me just say that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt the entire time. There must have been a reason I was attracted to him way back when, right? Maybe. But people grow apart and people grow up. As I kept speaking to him, I realised I was over him, over this conversation, and over the fact that he wanted to act friendly after all these years of not speaking to me. After all this time, I felt myself getting angry that I hadn’t seen all of this bullshit before. He had the balls to text me after virtual radio silence for two years, hoping that he could pick my brain and (maybe) get into my pants, and after finding out that I was in a committed, long-term relationship, he proceeded to let me know how depressed he was, how he was trying to get out of his *very* demanding (yet extremely privileged) job, and could I, perhaps, help him find contacts so he could segue into the world of medical tech consulting, since I lived in San Francisco? And oh, how was the sex with my boyfriend? He was happy to hear that I was happy, and that I’m sure my European boyfriend kept me happy because [insert every inappropriate sex stereotype you can here.]

    I have no doubt that this guy is actually depressed. I’m sure he is, considering he is continuing to seek validation through a woman he hooked up with and knowingly led on a couple years ago. And I’ll be honest, I feel for him. I can empathize with him deeply. His profession (once that I am trying to pursue) is one that comes with a huge rate of burnouts and general life dissatisfaction until you end up making money. While not at his level, I get what it’s like to sit in a room full of people and feel like you don’t belong there, feeling stupid and insecure about your own abilities. I’ve been there and I’m still there at times.

    But I also didn’t go out of my way to prey on the weak.

    This person read my blog. He knows the heartbreak I felt firsthand, after I not only told him, but by also reading the parts of my blog that have mentioned him. While not all of it was because of him, he is aware of all the things I felt, how much it hurt when he ghosted me dozens of times, how much I cried when he constantly cancelled plans and neglected me unless it served him in a positive way, and how much I still pined after him and would forgive him even when he did all these awful things. This person knows where I was in my life when I met him, and he knows the situation between us intimately, and he still decided to go out of his way to seek me out to talk to me. Even back then, every single time he hurt me, he would try to slither his way back into my life and he did so successfully because he knew how much I cared about him. For a long time, I wondered if the heartbreak was all my fault and blamed myself constantly for everything that happened.

    I’m sure some of it was, but after speaking to him on this trip, I realised that time heals all wounds, and also provides distance and clarity to situations. No matter how much I loved this person (whether or not that love was deserved and real is to be determined,) it did not excuse all the shitty things he did. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should stick around and keep them in your life if they’re doing crappy things to you. It’s OK to cut them out. Just like it’s OK to feel bad about it after, but it’s better that you do it so they don’t keep taking advantage of you.

    I’m happy to say that this conversation ended with me finally sucking the poison out of my life and telling him that talking to me was inappropriate. After all the hurt he caused, it wasn’t appropriate that he was texting me out of nowhere to try to: 1) Talk to me like nothing happened at all, like all the hurt and toxic feelings weren’t up in the air, like he didn’t just ghost me out of nowhere, and then try to start a conversation to try to get back to a place where I’d be able to give him validation in his self-worth and boost his self-esteem (which trust me, he has none)  2) Once finding out I had was in a long-term relationship, manipulating and guilting me into feeling sorry for him, victimizing himself and using it to his advantage to establish connections and using me to find him a way out of his miserable career and lifestyle. And lastly, 3) Perpetuating the cycle of awful by blatantly ignoring the rules set for conversation and asking about my sex and love life, trying to compare what we shared to what I currently share with my current partner, or previous partners.

    I’m not sad over any of this anymore. In fact, I have a fondness for Portland and the city that helped me realise it was OK to cut out shitty people from my life. Something about being in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by people that loved me gave me the strength to move forward with my life. No matter how much I loved him, or love other people in my life– the person that should be the first priority in my life should be myself. I’m still learning that on the daily, but I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’m not afraid to stop associating with people that don’t serve a positive purpose in my life. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should stick around if they’re terrible for you. Don’t feel guilty for breaking things off if it was a bad friendship or relationship. Find the strength to move on and don’t blame yourself if you feel bad about it afterwards. Be confident with your decisions.

    Love yourself more than you love others (in the best way possible.)

    • TC

      Good on you for not letting him make you feel guilty or whatever of separating from him. Your sentence about loving someone doesn’t give them the right to treat you like shite rang so true. Sometimes you just have to let go, as you wrote, and it’s hard, but time and distance will eventually make things easier for you.

      I also have to say you were much nicer to him than I’d have been! I’m not nice to people who treats me like shite and/or broke my trust, haha! XD So I give you kudos for maintaining a civil text conversation.

      • It was easiest for me because I hadn’t heard from him in two years, and like clockwork, he appeared magically back into my life. I still feel for him, but I can’t imagine ever pursuing a friendship where he wouldn’t cross boundaries and sketchy crap all the time. In a way, it’s like I never really knew him so I didn’t feel too bad about cutting ties. (I still feel a lingering sadness because I care about him, but maybe it’s more about caring for the nostalgia of what we shared? IDK)

        I was nice because I hadn’t spoken to him in two years, but I definitely could have handled it better and I shouldn’t have been so passive aggressive! I just saw no point in not being decent about it because it would have been worse if the bitter feelings just lingered, you know? This person is bad for my life and I’m not giving him the satisfaction of feeling good about it.

    • Glad you didn’t let him get to you. Negative people need to be out of our lives for a reason. Letting go is the hardest thing to do, but it must be done.

      • Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely over it, but it was still difficult for me to do. I still hold a deep fondness for him and I hope he does well– but I had to cut him out of my life because the way he goes about our interactions is unproductive and just toxic. Not to mention, fairly disrespectful to my serious relationship. I’m happy that I did it, but sometimes I feel a lingering sadness. I’m appreciative of what I did, and I’m not sad about doing it, just that I care for him deeply and I still wish that he does well in his life, despite the lack of relationship we now share.

        • That is understandable. That’s why I keep my ex out of my life, really.