» post-graduate millenial crises
  • post-graduate millenial crises

    Jun 15th • Posted in personal, writing

    i.

    Something about writing at one in the morning comforts me, but doesn’t always sit right.

    Maybe it’s because when I used to write so late at night (or early in the morning?), I fall into this emotionally unsettling place where I force myself into nostalgia. I am at my loneliest and most vulnerable in the late evenings and early mornings– even when I’m sleeping next to someone else. These are the moments I spend facebook stalking ex-love interests, inevitably leading down the rabbit hole into failed friendships, which forces me to examine the trajectory my life has travelled, and the path ahead. I like to look back at my past because of all the failures, and try to anticipate what lies ahead, and how to avoid making the same mistakes.

    And despite how wonderful my life is now, I can’t always get over how fanastically I’ve fucked a lot of things up over the course of my life. I’ve burned a lot of bridges, and while I don’t regret those choices (because they’ve made the person I am today, blah blah blah,) I often wish I had more time to think things through, or at least try not to repeat the same errors.


    ii.

    My cool 40something year old cousin calls me a masochist.

    Often.

    I can’t help but agree with her at times. I’ve never been a fan of moderation, and I’m always feeling and doing things in excess. Talk to me about my Type 2 Diabetes, and I’ll instead, tell you how much I love sugar, desserts and alcohol (things that will eventually kill me.) Talk to me about school, and I’ll talk to you about how excited I am to adopt a dog that my lifestyle clearly is not cut out for at this time. Talk to me about love, and I’ll inevitably bring up one of the many failed relationships I was in, despite my clear and utter love for the man who I sleep next to every night.

     But I no longer wonder about the would have, could have, should have-s, and instead, I carefully scrutinise and analyse every move I made, and try to not make the same mistakes. Funny thing is, the more I try to keep things under control– the more out of wack they get. Maybe I should stop thinking so fucking much and just let it go.


    iii.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. Mainly about how much I suck at them. Or if not suck at them, then I’m at least realising there’s been a major theme throughout my life in regards to friendships. Distance.

    With the exception of my boyfriend (who I live with) and a couple others, the majority of my friends are far away. I talk to my best friend less than once a week, and even when we do talk, our conversations are often disjointed. I love her to death, but it’s difficult to find a lot of common ground when your academic interests lie in completely separate fields. My interactions with faraway university friends are sparse and sporadic. Consistency is not a strong suit when it refers to my friendships. The closer I am to my friends, the further away they are.

    The reality depresses me.

    • I can totally related on the friendship thing. Allot of my friends are growing different directions than me. So it makes things interesting when we do get to visit. But sometimes I feel like I’m a bad friend.

      • I doubt you are really a bad friend. I think night time kind of brings the worst out of us, and more than that– the reality of 20something friendships really hits hard. Most of us are transient, or at the very least, in constant transition. None of what we do in our twenties feels permanent by any means. It doesn’t make things any worse, it just makes things interesting. People grow apart, we change. I’m trying to reconcile that everyday, and trying to appreciate the things that tie me to others. It’s hard to not forget to remember what brought you to your friends in the first place. Once I’m reminded of that, things get easier.

    • Yeah, I’ve had such a hectic year that it has been hard to stay in touch with a lot of my friends. Mostly, I’ve just been in contact with a select few…kinda sad.

      • I don’t blame you. I’ve had quite the year too– well, quite the year(s.) But I think that’s the nature of being a young, independent 20something. Things are not quite permanent and there’s always the chance that things can change more. Don’t feel bad for not being in contact (or do– just not the point of guilt!) I always go through periods and ebbs and flows of keeping in touch and not keeping in touch.

        I feel like they understand eventually.

    • night time sets off all of the world’s ennui. it is easy to fall into a trap of looking at old loves and picking at old wounds that have scabbed over. there is something to making yourself hurt a little in the middle of all that feeling. it makes breathing a little easier.

      i saw a photograph of a one-time lover the other day and i couldn’t help but fall head over heels into ‘what if’ and ‘if only’. i know it’s a waste of time to do this, but the sadness is all around me- it’s there even when i am delirious for the possibilities my life holds.

      i learnt that i can’t fight this- not the what if, not the ennui, not the sadness that curls around the corners of my stories. i can only limit it. how long do i drown myself in this? drag myself out before i lose myself. i am the only one who can accomplish this.

      friendship over distance is one of the core facets of my life. i often think i am a better friend when i am far away than when i am actually in the same place as some of my friends. but then i realise i’m: a) being hard on myself, & b) i have wonderful, amazing friends in my life and i would be a wreck without them. i’ve lost my best friend (as though she is a key) and that hurt is one i will always carry, i had best appreciate the love and laughter while i can. i go away often. i miss milestones all the time, but when i hug them or when we laugh together- in person or over scratchy skype calls- it’s as though the world is smiling. don’t let that go and don’t let yourself let go of it either.