» And then there’s you.
  • And then there’s you.

    May 07th • Posted in love, personal

    I can safely admit that I used part of this trip to run away from the memory of you. It hurts that I cannot seem to shove you into the back spaces of my mind, because eventually you’ll make a reappearance in the forefront of my heart. Falling in love is never an easy task– it proves to be even harder when the person you’ve tripped, stumbled and fallen for defies the laws of physics and floats above you, unaffected by your gravitational pull. It’s hard because I saw you everywhere, but you don’t see me at all. Or perhaps you’ve chosen to cut yourself out of the equation for a number of reasons. Sometimes I play pretend and I’m suddenly Sylvia Plath. You’ve written me off because I’ve been singing a mad girl’s love song, and you’ve seen the bell jar’s descent upon me. At least that’s what you’ve chosen to believe. No matter what I write at this point, I’m going to sound like a neurotic, insecure, selfish, “crazy” (though fuck that word, fuck that stigma) headcase, but I’m going to roll with it because you already think that anyway, right? Maybe it wasn’t love, but it was definitely something more than just liking someone. (Actually, I’m acutely aware it wasn’t love, but infatuation–but bare with me.) I mistook a palpable connection as something more because I projected a lot of what I wanted to be, who  Iwanted to be with, the type of man I could see fitting into my life, onto you. It’s hard when you want to be with someone so badly, but you also want to be them so badly. Part of the reason I fell for you is because I wanted your life– maybe not the emotionally stunted, gory bits– but the quick-witted, incredibly juvenile at times, nerdy, intelligent hard worker who can’t seem to give himself a break. I wanted your life and I projected a lot of my hopes, desires, dreams and wishes onto you. I don’t know if you’ve caught up on Grey’s anatomy, but I know you’ll understand the sentiment once you do watch some of the episodes. I wanted to Cristina Yang the shit out of you: I wanted to be you,  I want to do what you’re doing with your life. But I also wanted the chance to be with you, but in the process– I kept losing myself and my own sanity. It’s toxic and doesn’t work out for the best. I’m glad it’s over, but you still have a hold on me that I can’t deny.

    You once said I didn’t know you, but I read people pretty well. Enough to know that the bulk of your manipulation lies in your insecurities about your religion, your masculinity, your guilt for not feeling emotions. You are in love with a woman who you refuse to give the world, even though she basically already has it. I don’t know. I keep repeating the same thing over and over again and you don’t get it.  I don’t think you ever will.

    The one thing I’ve gained from running away on this trip was a little bit of myself back. Yes, I might have slept my way through Europe– but in the process, I found out that the world doesn’t revolve around you. My dating life doesn’t have to be so tragic even though it didn’t work out between us. There will always be other guys who are as smart as you, as good as you are in bed (or better, you’ve been pushed down a bit on the list,) and most of all– these guys have the emotional capacity to give me what I want and need in life. (Minus me travelling of course, that’s a huge issue lol.) I don’t know. I’m bummed you’re off in Europe doing the same thing– it’s not easy to think about you from time to time and knowing that you don’t give a shit and you’re probably fucking 928309285 other girls. I mean for fuck’s sake, I shoot off text messages to your cell off into space ,and I’m not sure where that gets me. You probably just delete it, or have blocked me and dismissed it as a waste of space. but I’m not. I’m just trying to live my life and figure out why the fuck it’s been so hard to get over you. I think this trip was a good first step, even though knowing you’re around scares the living shit out of me (thank god I’m flying out.) I guess for me, I just want to sort out my feelings. I don’t know if they even make sense. My wishes for you are the exact same, except I’m not as bitter anymore. I hope you find love with who you want it to be with, genuinely. I hope you live the dream and I hope you experience an epic, romantic love that sweeps you the fuck off your feet because it changes you as a person. I hope you’re not numbing yourself by having sex with women that don’t mean a thing to you. I hope you don’t treat women as disposable anymore, because we’re not. We’re human beings and your manipulation hurts people. I hope there are no more women like me that exist in your life. I hope there are no ghosts that haunt you. I don’t know if you’re using Europe as a cultural experience (it’s fun though, really is,) but take the next couple of however long you’re travelling to really look at who the fuck you are as a person. If you fuck your way through Europe like I did, I hope you realize that numb feeling you have in the pit of your chest and in your gut never go away. Sex might just be sex, but damn– when it’s with someone you love, or at least really like? It becomes so much better. I actually hope you meet someone with a fleeting connection, and I hope you get torn up about it because it’s the best way to realize that you probably need more in your life. Most of all, I just hope you gain something out of it and you’re happy. I just hope that writing this gets rid of all of the shit i have to say. It probably won’t, and I probably won’t ever receive any correspondence from you– but I hope you’re happy. That’s all I wish for you. Because you need to get the fuck out of your head and breathe. And get off OkCupid. You’re in Barcelona, and you’re going to France– you’ll be fine without it, trust me. Girls will think you’re charming and American and they’ll fall to the floor wanting to fuck you. Just remember to use a condom because Paris has the highest STD rate in the European Union.

    The saying “Whatever happens in _____, stays in _______” doesn’t apply if you come back with herpes.