» Disregard the Hodgepodge.
  • Disregard the Hodgepodge.

    Jul 24th • Posted in love, personal

    I straddle the fine line between “lonely” and “alone” quite a bit. These days, I’m creeping slowly towards “lonely,” despite the people around. Falling out of love with someone is infinitely freeing, but also quite arresting once you think about it. You’ve built up these thoughts, invested your feelings and parts of your heart into this person– and when you fall out of love with someone, it all goes away. It hits even harder when the decision to break off something toxic is a conscious one. I want to say that things have gotten better, but I’m also at a point in my life where I just feel stagnant. Right now, it’s the calm before the storm. I know moving in a month will be hectic and I’ll want to shoot myself in the face, but at this moment I’m impervious to many things. I find myself especially impervious to pain, which is weird because that was all I felt a month ago. Writing on my blog has slowed due to this lack of feeling, as well as reflecting on issues of privacy.

    Blogging is intended to reveal bits and pieces of the writer. I’ve made a conscious choice to share moments of my life with you– in the process, revealing who I am, what I think about, and who I interact with. The last bit of that is the most important. My blog has served as a serious outlet for processing some beautiful and horrifying moments I’ve shared with people in my life in great detail. I’ve fallen in and out of love in the course of writing this blog, and also developed as a person. Amidst all the words and the growing readership, I’ve had to deliberately reflect on how I present some of these characters to you. I want to encourage my readers that there are two sides to every story, and that most of the time you are reading an extremely biased viewpoint. While not all of the people mentioned on this blog are written about from an antagonistic manner, I still want to point out that I write from what I know to be true and what I think or feel. And sometimes in the process, I reveal too much, more than what the other party feels comfortable with. For that, I apologise. I tend not to think about these things because I still view my blog as a healthy outlet for my feelings.

    And right now, I’m not sure if I’m feeling a lot of anything. I’ve spent much of my time focused on relationships with others that sometimes I neglect to focus on myself. And unfortunately, when I realise it– it’s too late. I’ve fallen in this hole of numbness. I’m not sad, but there’s definitely a void there that I can’t seem to fill. Or maybe it’s because there’s a person I have in mind, but I’m hesitant to jump through hoops to be with that person. I’m not sure where this post is going, but I’m enjoying figuring it out.

    Despite the fact that life feels stagnant, I’m proud of myself for accomplishing some relatively small (but big to me!!!!) feats. Firstly, I’m really ecstatic that I’m finally over Brendan. It has been a long time, and I know parts of me are still not over it, and might never be… but I’ve taken some serious baby steps to accomplish not checking up on his (dead) social media, and not drunk texting or messaging him on OkCupid. Which brings me to my next point: I’ve disabled OkCupid for the time being. At the moment, I’m not sure if I could really handle anything other than friendship, and having an online dating account open only accentuates my loneliness. And perhaps I’m just tired of the quality of men on there and I need a break. It’s not that I don’t have a nice influx of men (at my most recent count, I’ve had around four or five men from OkCupid text me regularly asking me out or flirting with me,) but at the moment– I’m not sure of what I want and I’m not sure I’ve really felt that genuine spark I would need to pursue anything other than friendship. Which makes me sad, because I do feel part of that spark with someone else– he’s too far away to really pursue.

    It’s sad because I really do feel something there. It’s been nice to have someone to fall asleep to and wake up to (as of recently, anyway.) With the 12 hour time difference, he’s generally the person I fall asleep texting to, and one of the first people I wake up to in the morning. I guess it’s easier for us to get along since we’ve met in person, and we sort of skipped ahead to the rougher parts of dating because I was only in his area for a limited amount of time. I adore the fuck outta him though, if I’m going to be honest with you all. However, I’m trying to be delicate in what I say on this blog about him because I know he’s read my posts in the past, and I don’t want to reveal too much about him. And I guess the whole ‘privacy’ thing might be in deference to him. I’m sure you all already can tell who I’m talking about (or maybe not, which in that case– great) but I’m not sure how he feels, to be honest. I will say while I’m conflicted in terms of how I feel, I’m happy to know that I have someone there for me in whatever capacity.

    There have been some terrible things that have been happening lately, and I guess I’ll comment on that some other time. I don’t k now. This blog post is a mixture of things that I’ve been wanting to write but haven’t figured out how to, so I mixed them in one post.

    • I think, as with everything else in our lives, we curate ourselves and our thoughts for our posts. That’s only human. And I don’t see why one should apologise for it or underscore how this is just one side or angle of it- that’s true of everything in our lives, online and offline. I am fairly unapologetic about that.

      Privacy. however is another kettle of fish. I try not to talk about other people in my posts because I do believe that while I might be OK with my thoughts and actions being out there in the world, that is my narrative and I got to choose it and I get to share it exactly how I want to share it. Other people don’t get that luxury if they show up on my blog. That isn’t to say I don’t explore my relationship with them (my parents are people I talk about a fair bit) but that is still primarily about me. I think that’s important because I think people ought to be able to choose what their narratives are, and if they want one at all.

      I hope you find what you’re looking for- within yourself or with someone else(s). x

      • I’m still learning. It’s been a struggle, and I’ve been trying to edit my thoughts to seem readable. That’s been the hardest part, I guess. I try to do it without sounding like I’m just pooping out all the thoughts, but it happens anyway. Perhaps stream of consciousness is something that I need to practice more often, because I’d rather have the thoughts out than kept in.

        Privacy is something that I’ve been thinking about more and more though. Back when this blog was relatively unknown (back when I didn’t make an effort to have it be so “public” and share it with strangers,) it was fine. I wrote many things, subjected many people to the internet without remorse because no one was reading it (except for myself.) It’s just something I’ve been more conscious of now that many of my readers include my friends, sometimes even the men I’m writing about.

        While I make a conscious effort to warn people that I write about them (especially this person in particular that I’m thinking about,) sometimes fear prevents me from saying things like “Wow, I like you” to them in real life for what? I’m not sure. I should be exploring my relationship with these people to their faces, not on my blog. (Though sometimes my blog is a great way to at least get myself cognizant of those feelings.)

        I don’t think if I’m in a place to find what I’m looking for with someone else. I’m going to have to find it within myself and I think I’m doing so. It just takes baby steps :)

    • Huge hugs to you, Christa. I feel like I have that connection with someone, and it sure is nice to have someone to fall asleep to and wake up to. At the same time, it’s not something that we all really need, or should pine over. I hope you come to give yourself more attention over the next few, and hopefully pull yourself up and keep on smiling.

      I hope those terrible things come to rest.

      Privacy, blah, I know privacy issues have just blasted me into bits. :( I have gotten in a bit of hot water from revealing too much on my blog, about other people, not myself. I gave myself a slap and told myself it was as simple as respecting those people, as much as I love my own outlet and want to be free and want it to be healthy for me.