» life lately: a frank talk about depression.
  • life lately: a frank talk about depression.

    Apr 08th • Posted in personal, writing

    © Sylvie Reuter, 2012

    I chose this comic by Sylvie Reuter to start off this post because it says so much more than I can say in words. Mental illness– particularly depression– is such a beast to deal with because before you know it, it has swallowed you whole and you are left with nothing. I write this because I’ve been feeling it stronger lately. It’s difficult to write about depression because I’m not exactly sure how to describe what I’m feeling (or lack of what I’m feeling.) It’s just there, and I can’t help it. I wish I could be better about it, but it is depression that keeps me from studying whenever I should, or helping out with chores, or even showing up to my appointments with my therapist because I’ve neglected to study for a difficult exam, and then, in turn, have to cram hardcore for the exam the next day. Needless to say, at this point in time– depression runs my life, and I’m not sure what to do about it (other than what I’ve been doing.)

    I guess this post is mostly for my friends and family: I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t feel bad (and I partially don’t) for being depressed, but I do because you have to deal with the brunt of it. I feel bad because honestly, one of the only people I can stand being around nowadays without feeling like my energy is completely drained is my boyfriend. And because of that, I’ve somehow managed to socially isolate myself in a time where I probably shouldn’t because human contact sorta keeps me sane at times. The dirty thing people don’t always tell you about mental illness until you have it (or at least take an Abnormal Psychology class or something) is that a lot of disorders are comorbid so not only am I depressed, but I am also HELLA anxious ALL. THE. TIME. It sucks. Maybe this is just related to my physical health, but it also just sucks being sad all the time for no apparent reason because my life is pretty great. (You know, other than the depression and the anxiety.)

    Meh. To be honest, I don’t really know where this post is going other than depression really does suck. It’s difficult because I constantly have to apologise for being depressed when I consciously know that depression is a mental disorder– I’m taking all the right steps to managing it, but it can still get me. And it has, sometimes. I just feel bad that the people I love most have to deal with me when I’m depressed– and it manifests as laziness and unwillingness to cooperate or do anything helpful. Or it just means I’m sitting on the bed all day doing absolutely nothing but staring at the ceiling. I’ve had a lot of those days lately, and I feel terrible that my boyfriend just watches me rot and tries to help, but is well aware he can’t really do anything because it’s not his job to take care of the depressive lump in his bed. I don’t know.

    This isn’t a cry for help or anything. It’s just a post to make those aware (that haven’t been) that depression is just a normal occurence for me. I am also aware of the fact that this isn’t a normal occurence for most people, but I accept that it’s a part of my life and I am dealing with it the best way I can. I just don’t want anyone to be surprised when I am withdrawn. I promise it’s not you, it’s always me.

    (Unless you’re an asshole, then it’s probably you.)

    • Erin

      Hey, I’m so sorry you have to go through this everyday – I know exactly how it feels. It’s really good that you’re taking the steps to try and get better, so kudos for that! :)
      I was in a rut for a while and then I became a gym rat and started myself on a pretty strict 5-days-a-week workout program from bodybuilding.com and that helped so much because it takes your focus off of what you’re feeling and you learn to channel your mind. I just thought I would mention that.
      All the best!

      Erin | http://erinfinity.com

      • Erin, thank you for your advice.
        I do actually go to the gym a lot, but depression is difficult because it has this weird vice grip and then sinks you down to its level. Despite going to the gym, it doesn’t always help out with the depression. But that could be due to more anxiety and more sadness. I like being busy because the chaos sort of settles me into a nice happy place. When I’m left to my own devices, depression sort of just likes to creep in and see what I’m doing and get better acquainted yet again.

    • Rebecca Royale

      I understand what you’re going through, you are definitely not alone. Depression was my whole life last year, But, I told nobody about my internal conflict with the darkness. Idk when exactly I pulled myself out of the pool of dark matter but I did, I still have days when I want to do absolutely nothing and make no contact with the human world but they come and go. I guess when you find something that inspires or awaken your soul … the depression starts to fade away. Be strong and keep keeping on.

      • I know. I think it’s easier to relate to those with depression because they understand that some days are it’s just easier to do nothing than to deal with everything else in the world. It’s something that SUCKS, but it’s just another thing that you have to deal with. I have better days more often than not– my life is wonderful, so I can’t complain. But sometimes I get to a point where I just want to do nothing all the time and despite how happy and great my life is, I can never get my emotions to reflect that.

        Thank you for your kindness and empathy. It means a lot.

    • Jas_sbap

      Everyone’s depression is a little different. I’m so sorry that you live with it. I can definitely relate to the whole “My boyfriend watches me and there’s nothing he can do” because the tunnel vision that accompanies depression is unfathomable by anyone except those who suffer from it. Hang in there, lady.

      • I think that it’s harder on my boyfriend than it is on me sometimes. Mostly because, like you said, if you don’t live with depression, you’re not completely grasping what it’s like (even though it manifests itself differently in everyone.) That’s the strange thing about depression though– I feel like it’s a different experience for everyone, yet somehow so universal that a person who is depressed can immediately recognize if someone else is. No worries– it’s been awhile since I wrote this post. While I know I’ll have to deal with depression throughout life, I’m slowly taking steps to make an effort to try medication or find a lifestyle that suits me best. :)